It is no surprise that firefighters have a higher than average divorce rate. Long periods of time away from home, limited communication, and physical and mental exhaustion are often to blame. It takes an incredibly patient, understanding, and supportive spouse to manage the home and family by oneself for long periods of time.
The needs, support, and expectations in the relationship of a firefighter couple is by no means traditional. There must be mutual understanding, acceptance, and respect for this atypical relationship and the demands it places on the couple. If not addressed early on in the marriage or relationship these demands may begin to generate frustration, anger, and resentment which can lead to separation or divorce.
So how do couples make this unique and demanding schedule work? How do they communicate? What about the needs of the spouse? How about the kids? I recently had the opportunity to meet with some couples of the LAFD firefighter family who gave great insight into how they make their marriages work.
Ryan and Christin O’Gorman:
Active Duty Firefighter/Analyst
Married 4 years
What has worked:
• The O’Gorman’s both work fulltime jobs. Christin takes care of the household responsibilities while Ryan will take care of yard and house maintenance
• Because they have a toddler, they generally have time to relax, unwind, talk, and reconnect after the baby goes to bed
• Texting each other and having short conversations throughout the day keeps them connected
• Facetime or Skype with the Christin, toddler, and Ryan
• No matter how busy Ryan was at work he is able to switch gears when he comes home to be dad and husband. He is great at balancing work and home life
• Christin also has support of family and friends in the community when Ryan is working
• Having trust and respect for each other
• Making time for dates and vacations
Rob and Christie Caropino
Active Duty Firefighter/Homemaker
Married 29 years
What has worked:
“We make our life work for us”- Christie
“My success is due to Christie”- Rob
• Christie makes sure that the house is clean, food is made, and everything at home is taken care of when Rob is working at the fire station (bills paid, kids taken to school, activities, etc.)
• Understanding that the responsibilities at home are not 50/50.
• Having a common goal
• Being flexible and supportive to Rob’s studying and promoting
• Communicating with each other daily
• Keeping the minor issues and distractions at home
• Giving as much support as possible, especially when at a busy station.
• Educating oneself on the types of calls Rob goes on and how his body, mind, and soul reacts to them
• Reconnecting with each other after Rob works or studies several days in a row. At times, and especially when the kids were little, they would simply have a date in the backyard and talk over a bottle of wine. Now, since the kids are both out of the house, they may go to dinner or even camp together for few days.
• Understanding that it is not give and take but rather a common goal
• Planning vacations in advance so there is something to look forward to
Noel & Cathy Murchet
Retired Firefighter/ Retired Emergency Room Nurse
Married 40 years
What has worked:
• Mutual respect – because the Murchets worked fulltime jobs, there was an understanding that whoever was not working that day was in charge of caring for the kids, preparing dinner, cleaning up the house, etc. Both Cathy and Noel’s careers were equally important.
• Giving space – Allowing each other time to relax and unwind after work due to the physical and mental demands of each of their careers
• Trust – Having respect for each other and the marriage, including sexual and emotional fidelity
• Never holding the other one responsible for their own happiness – While Noel would be at work, Cathy kept herself busy and active with hobbies, meeting up with friends, work, and attending events with the kids. Because of the unique schedule of a firefighter, she couldn’t (and wouldn’t) allow herself to wait around to be happy – she was responsible for her own happiness.
• Vacation – Planning small frequent trips together as a family and as a couple. Because they are both retired now, they often travel for longer periods of time.
• Understanding that there is a dark side to being the spouse of a firefighter; it gets pretty lonely at times.
• Make the best of the situation – Bring the kids to the station. Bring snacks, cookies, and fruit to share. Creating memories at the fire station for the kids and yourself.
Three common themes:
1. Having respect and trust for each other.
2. Having the ability to be independent, flexible, and patient.
3. Stressing the importance of mental, emotional, and physical intimacy.
As the wife of an LAFD firefighter and a psychotherapist, I am always interested in how other couples manage their lives in this capacity. I was honored to interview each of these couples, and I have since implemented some of their routines into my own work and family life. It was refreshing to learn how they have each developed a strong working relationship, and how they continue to cultivate it. Of course, this has been done through trial and error, and with an abundance of patience, trust, and love. We all have somewhat of a routine in place now that works for us. Continue to do what works, however, if change is needed in one area or another, consider implementing some of the things that have worked for these couples.
By Lyndee Venosta