I’ve just about had it up to here with reality shows. Biker build-offs, Ice Road Bozo’s, Crabby Fishermen, Tattoo All of Me, Idiot Loggers in Alaska and at the top of my list, Naked and Afraid. I wonder what genius came up with this idea?
Seriously, I would pay to be on the interview panel that selects these people for the show. My personal criteria would be: #1 – Contestant’s bodies must have a minimum of 20 tattoos, 10 which must be of Chinese origin. #2 – Contestant’s hair must be matted, smelly and not have been washed in 30 days prior to the interview. #3 – Contestants IQ must be no higher than 20. #4 – Contestants must have a firm dislike for toothpaste and tooth brushes. That’s it. As far as I’m concerned, if you met these minimal standards, I’d personally escort you to your plane, put a lei around your neck and wave good bye as you jetted off to a deserted island.
Of course the title, “Naked and Afraid” is false. First of all, these barefooted, loin-clothed adventurers ain’t really naked. I’ve only watched the show for 30 seconds because the network inserts a blurred view of the woman’s body. Come on, I’m only watchin’ the show to get a glimpse of a lady runnin’ around naked in the bushes. My vision is already blurred, I don’t need the network to make it worse. Second, there’s a film crew followin’ these knot-heads around. How afraid can they be? And I’m sure the film crew ain’t goin’ to be satisfied with eatin’ bugs and berries, so they’ve got containers or coolers with ham, chicken and turkey sandwiches to snack on. So what happens when the two wanderin’ fools run out of protein and carbohydrates? You’re dang right, the film crew breaks out their picnic basket and BINGO, our bug eatin’ clowns get a stomach full of real food. Yeah, and what takes place when our Lewis & Clark team stub their toes or step on a thorn? Sure, they go to a commercial break, a doctor is rushed in from the other side of the ridge and their boo-boos are kissed, cleaned and bandaged.
And what woman in her right mind would strip down to her birthday suit and run around on an island lookin’ to eat berries and bugs with a dude she barely knows? Look, the day after I was born I got married and I still haven’t been able to convince my wife to take her clothes off when she takes a shower.
I’ve had it with these shows. I just recovered from the biker show that pitted father against son and now there’s another reality show that replaced it. A custom car/bike builder in Vegas that features a dude that thinks he’s Count Dracula.