Has your captain or B/C ever told you that you are just not getting the message? Is your spouse constantly nagging you about not listening? Do your kids tell you that you just don’t understand? Sure you’re tired from working so much SOD, burned out from studying for that three-whole score, and – at the moment – have 23 text messages that need to be answered. But listening is not just about being polite.
Great leaders and coaches know that great listening skills build trust, create credibility, lend support and help to get things done. And very significantly, if you listen to others they are much more likely to listen to you. So take the following quiz and see if improving your listening skills can help enhance your relationships with co-workers, family and friends.
Active Listening Skills
The overall objective of active listening is . . . to understand . . . that’s it! Increasing the degree of understanding between parties helps to clarify points and correct misunderstandings. Sometimes just listening isn’t easy though, but “active listening” it is a skill anyone can learn with a little effort.
Do you use the following techniques when listening? Yes? Sometimes? No? Please take note of your responses to help build your active listening skills.
1) Postural and visual cues – leaning a bit towards the person, keeping an open physical position (no crossed arms), and nodding your head. Regular eye contact (not “staring down” the other) to show that you are paying attention.
☐ Y ☐ S ☐ N
2) Open-ended questions to encourage a greater level of sharing and a more detailed understanding. “How . . .?” “Why . . .?” “Then what . . .?”
☐ Y ☐ S ☐ N
3) Not assuming in advance that the topic is uninteresting or unimportant.
☐ Y ☐ S ☐ N
4) Repeat what the other has said in your own words. Restate your perception of the feelings expressed by the other person.
☐ Y ☐ S ☐ N
5) Be aware of your feelings as a listener – emotions like anger, dislike, and defensiveness cause us to not hear what is said and sometimes to hear things that are not said (selective attention).
☐ Y ☐ S ☐ N
6) Not allowing yourself to get over-stimulated if you begin to mentally oppose an idea – be open-minded.
☐ Y ☐ S ☐ N
7) Be empathetic – try to understand the speaker from his/her emotional viewpoint. Put yourself in the speaker’s place.
☐ Y ☐ S ☐ N
8) Do not let your mind wander or daydream; do not do too many things at once (e.g., answering phone, texting).
☐ Y ☐ S ☐ N
9) Wait before responding, and do not rehearse what you will say instead of listening.
☐ Y ☐ S ☐ N
10) Do not pretend to be attentive or to understand – if you get lost, admit it and ask for further explanation.
☐ Y ☐ S ☐ N
Roadblocks to Effective Communication
Below is a partial list of responses that are potential roadblocks to effective communication. It is important to note that each of these responses often has its place in healthy conversation, but as an initial response, especially to someone in an emotionally charged state, these responses can often be interpreted as interfering with the flow of expression. What we need to do is learn how to effectively use each type of response at the right time, making careful use of each one, just as a skilled carpenter would with the tools in his toolbox.
Evaluation Response
• The phrases: “It’s your responsibility to . . .,” “You are wrong . . .,” “You should know better . . .”
• There is a time for evaluation, but if it is done too soon, the speaker can become defensive.
Advice-Giving Response
• The phrases: “Why don’t you try . . .,” “You’ll feel better when . . .,” “It would be best for you to . . .,” “I think that you should . . .”
• It is best to give advice at the end of a conversation and generally only if the speaker requests it.
Topping Response
• The phrases: “That’s nothing, you should have seen . . .,” “When that happened to me, I . . .,” “You think that you have it bad, well I . . .”
• This approach shifts attention from the person who wants to be heard and leaves him/her feeling unimportant.
Diagnosing, “Psychoanalytic” Response
• The phrases: “What you need is . . .,” “The reason that you feel the way you do . . .,” “You really don’t mean that . . .,” “Do you know what your problem is; I think that you . . .”
• Most people do not want to be told how they should feel or why they should or should not feel a certain way . . . people would rather volunteer their feelings, instead of having them “exposed.”
Warning, Admonishing, Commanding Response
• The phrases: “You had better . . .,” “If you don’t . . .,” “You have to . . .,” “You must . . .”
• These phases often create resentment, resistance, and rebellion, unless the information being given is necessary, such as in an emergency situation, when the information is critical to human welfare or fire ground safety.
Logical, Lecturing Response
• The phrases: “Don’t you realize . . .,” “Here is where you are wrong . . .,” “The facts are . . .,” “Yes, but . . .”
• These responses tend to make the other person feel inferior or defensive, when s/he believes s/he can make a good decision on his/her own.
Devaluation Response
• The phrases: “It’s not so bad . . .,” “Don’t worry . . .,” “You’ll get over it . . .,” “Oh, you don’t really feel that way . . .”
• Listeners should respect speakers’ feelings and try not to take away or deny those feelings to them.
A point to consider is the value in the old adage, “it’s impossible to stick your foot in your mouth when it’s closed.” Think about it! When you begin to understand that knowledge is not gained by flapping your gums, but by removing your ear wax, you will have become an active listener and taken the first step to becoming a skilled communicator.
By Robert Kenney, Phd
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Robert Kenney, president of Partners Through Training, has taught professional development for more than 20 years. He recently conducted a workshop on “Communications Essentials” for all LAFRA staff. Mr. Kenney can reached at (434) 426-2665 or ptt@lynchburg.net